By Veerabalan
In the peak of another sweltering summer, when half the country was sweating over NEET paper leaks and the other half was sweating over grocery bills, Prime Minister Narendra Modi delivered his monthly Mann Ki Baat like a concerned neighbourhood uncle. While 22 lakh students were busy having full-blown existential crises and two cheeky teenagers had just turned CBSE’s On-Screen Marking system into a public comedy show, the PM dropped his bombshell solution: “Drink water, everyone. Summer is hot. Jal hi jeevan hai.”
Brilliant. Absolutely world-class. When the entire exam system is leaking faster than a roadside tap, the man at the top recommends hydration. It’s like your house is on fire and the fire brigade arrives with a bottle of Bisleri and a motivational speech.
This is the same government that once gave us those epic slogans — “Na khaunga, na khane doonga” and the evergreen Sabka Saath, Sabka Vikas, Sabka Vishwas. Nowadays those phrases feel less like promises and more like that one motivational poster in coaching centres that everyone ignores after the first month. The exam papers keep leaking with Olympic-level consistency, yet the official response remains gloriously zen: drink lemon water and do yoga.
The real victims, of course, are the poor students. Imagine spending two-three years in dusty Kota rooms, surviving on Maggi and broken dreams, only to wake up one day and discover your “super secret” NEET paper was WhatsApp’s Forward of the Day. The mental health impact is next-level. These once-bright youngsters now suffer from a unique condition called “Leak Syndrome” — symptoms include sudden outbursts of bitter laughter, staring blankly at walls, and repeatedly muttering “Kya hi fayda bhai?”
Parents are equally traumatised. One minute their child is a future cardiologist, the next they’re lying on the couch like a deflated balloon, doom-scrolling leak conspiracy videos at 3 AM. The two teenage boys who exposed CBSE’s digital weaknesses became overnight heroes, but their discovery basically confirmed what everyone already suspected: our exam security is about as tight as a politician’s promise during elections.
And then, ladies and gentlemen, enter the real stars of the show — the Cockroaches of Incompetence.
No matter how many times officials announce “We have strengthened the system!”, these resilient little creatures keep popping up from every crack. One leak gets squashed (with great fanfare and a committee), and suddenly ten new ones appear like uninvited relatives at a wedding. The National Testing Agency keeps issuing serious statements while the cockroaches throw a disco party in the background. Students are now convinced the entire merit system isn’t just broken — it’s got a permanent pest control problem.
In this grand circus, India’s much-celebrated demographic dividend is busy mastering the ancient art of stress-eating and applying to universities abroad where exams don’t come with surprise bonus features. Meanwhile, back home, we continue receiving valuable life advice: stay hydrated.
So here’s to the future, dear aspirants. The leaks will keep leaking, the cockroaches will keep marching, and the Mann Ki Baat will keep reminding us to drink water. At least when your dreams evaporate, your throat won’t feel dry.
Bottoms up, India. Cheers with that nimbu paani.